When David and I first married is was part of a very perfect romance. We met, fell madly in love, ran away to Maine together and began our new life.
We had no idea how young we were, just as I suppose we have no idea how young we are now. I do know that in the early days of our marriage our worries were fairly one dimensional.
Would we have ever have enough money to buy a house?
When should we have children?
As time went on some of our struggles became more nuanced. Trouble with the business, a friend suddenly dropping us, illnesses and fears for our children. There have been heartbreaks along this road and through it all David and I have emerged, hands clasped.
The part of this experience which surprised me the most is how much better and stronger each heartbreak has made us. Not only that, but the opportunities that each of us has had over the years to lift each other up and carry the load has added a layer of texture to this marriage which I never anticipated.
It makes the victories sweeter, but more importantly, the choosing to support each other again and again adds another knot in the rope that binds our marriage. I can look back at our life together and see the crossroads where we might have chosen to fight or dig in our heels and I can see how differently this story might have gone.
So this is what I have learned about marriage. It's love, it's luck and it's choosing to write your happy ending. It's choosing to take the path of the happy marriage and to hold on tight when things get dark. Hold on tight until you reach the light.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
The trials of marriage...
Every marriage has its ups and downs. About some things David and I agree completely. About other things he is wrong.
Did I just say that?
What I meant to say is that about other things we have a mature discussion, use active listening and come to a mutual decision about whatever the issue is.
However, there are some topics, some issues, that are marital minefields.
The minefield of my marriage is in the basement.
To be more accurate, the minefield of my marriage is the basement.
This Sunday I was whining a bit about how overwhelming the mess in the basement is.
"It's just so bad down there." I said. "It'll take forever."
Then David did a crazy thing. He gambled.
"Would you like me to not go inline skating and instead help you in the basement?" he asked.
He was betting that I'd say no. He knows that I am very protective of my treasures down there, treasures he'd love to see on the curb. He wanted the credit for offering to help, hoping that I'd decline.
I surprised him. "Yes. I'd love for you to help me in the basement." I said, "But you can't do that thing you do."
"What thing?" He asked innocently.
"That thing where you go down there and start saying that we have to throw away all my crap!" I answered.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," he lied.
Down into the basement we went.
Once down there I immediately saw the problem.
"Over there! Behind that broken chair! Your old ski boots are cluttering my basement!" I announced.
He blinked. He looked at me. He tried to find the boots. He looked at me again. "Get rid of them." He calmly replied.
Hmmmm. This was a problem. I had lobbed the boots as a grenade, to force him to clutch to something he refused to get rid of to distract him from my collection of eight-two decorative pitchers.
After seeing him chuck his old ski boots, I laid down my sword and agreed to get rid of a wobbly end table, a ripped slipcover and a broken garbage can. A huge bag of old clothes went to good will and before too long the basement, while still not lovely, was no longer in need of a bulldozer.
In the end we were both able to part with a lot of useless crap and we actually enjoyed ourselves. It's sort of funny actually. David and I have almost no interests in common. He likes to watch television. I mostly hate television. He likes to watch movies. I am loathe to commit to a movie. He likes to play sports and exercise. Not. My. Thing. The one thing that David and I have always excelled at as a couple though is having fun doing nothing.
The basement, which could have been miserable, ended up being a blast and I was reminded once again just how much I enjoy hanging out with that man. He's funny and even better, he thinks I'm funny.
I lucked out with him.
Also, don't tell him, but I didn't get rid of a single decorative pitcher.
Did I just say that?
What I meant to say is that about other things we have a mature discussion, use active listening and come to a mutual decision about whatever the issue is.
However, there are some topics, some issues, that are marital minefields.
The minefield of my marriage is in the basement.
To be more accurate, the minefield of my marriage is the basement.
This Sunday I was whining a bit about how overwhelming the mess in the basement is.
"It's just so bad down there." I said. "It'll take forever."
Then David did a crazy thing. He gambled.
"Would you like me to not go inline skating and instead help you in the basement?" he asked.
He was betting that I'd say no. He knows that I am very protective of my treasures down there, treasures he'd love to see on the curb. He wanted the credit for offering to help, hoping that I'd decline.
I surprised him. "Yes. I'd love for you to help me in the basement." I said, "But you can't do that thing you do."
"What thing?" He asked innocently.
"That thing where you go down there and start saying that we have to throw away all my crap!" I answered.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," he lied.
Down into the basement we went.
Once down there I immediately saw the problem.
"Over there! Behind that broken chair! Your old ski boots are cluttering my basement!" I announced.
He blinked. He looked at me. He tried to find the boots. He looked at me again. "Get rid of them." He calmly replied.
Hmmmm. This was a problem. I had lobbed the boots as a grenade, to force him to clutch to something he refused to get rid of to distract him from my collection of eight-two decorative pitchers.
After seeing him chuck his old ski boots, I laid down my sword and agreed to get rid of a wobbly end table, a ripped slipcover and a broken garbage can. A huge bag of old clothes went to good will and before too long the basement, while still not lovely, was no longer in need of a bulldozer.
In the end we were both able to part with a lot of useless crap and we actually enjoyed ourselves. It's sort of funny actually. David and I have almost no interests in common. He likes to watch television. I mostly hate television. He likes to watch movies. I am loathe to commit to a movie. He likes to play sports and exercise. Not. My. Thing. The one thing that David and I have always excelled at as a couple though is having fun doing nothing.
The basement, which could have been miserable, ended up being a blast and I was reminded once again just how much I enjoy hanging out with that man. He's funny and even better, he thinks I'm funny.
I lucked out with him.
Also, don't tell him, but I didn't get rid of a single decorative pitcher.