Hello there everyone! I must confess, I have been cheating on this blog. Like a cheap slattern I have been telling all of my best stories on Facebook where I can distill the drama into the shortest possible form.
Mostly you missed out on whines about laundry, grocery shopping, bat mitvah planning, homesickness, and squalor.
The most important news you missed was that a hoard of ants infested my Keurig coffeemaker turning it into their very own whorehouse. It was unspeakable, and yet I will speak of it anyway so that you too can share the sinking horror one feels when one realizes that one has been drinking ant coffee. It began with a few ants hanging out under the coffeemaker. I cleaned them up thinking nothing of it. Then I pulled out the tray which at first I thought was full of wet glistening coffee grounds, only to discover that it was in fact full of writhing copulating ants.
Naturally I screamed. Honestly, what more can a person be expected to do?
At first I allowed myself to hope that perhaps the ants were only in the bottom tray. Since I am a lover of science I tested that hypothesis by pouring vinegar into the unit. As creationists already know, science can be a bitch. My vinegar cleanse released a tsunami of ants and eggs which caused my psyche to shatter into a million pieces. I screamed some more and demanded that David remove the Keurig and set it on fire. He refused to set it on fire, but he did remove it from the house. Then I showered about a hundred times and still imagined that I could feel the sinister tickle of ant legs upon my ankle.
Upon doing a little research I learned that this is apparently a "thing". These little jerk ants decide that the Keurig is the perfect spot to set up a home, thereby ruining the lives of coffee drinkers everywhere. After the ant farm debacle I decided to stick with a $15 Mr. Coffee and some Starbucks Via Instant Coffee. Hear that Starbucks? I like your instant coffee and ditched my ant infested Keurig! Now would be the time to send me some free coffee!
I should also update you on the appliances which have broken since we moved in. As of this week the washer, dryer, disposal, air conditioner, and coffee maker have all either needed to be replaced, repaired, or set on fire.
Lastly, just so you get a real sense of the flavor of my life, I was cleaning out the classroom today and discovered some petrified dog poop on the floor.
Consider yourself up to date.