Sunday, December 19, 2010

Peeking out...

It's been a week since I've posted and I've been trying to understand my own reluctance to bring my thoughts here to share with you. This month marks one year since our family went through some really serious hardships. We were healthy and our family was strong, but the recession had hit us far harder then I ever imagined it could.

I was terrified. I was terrified by the very real possibility of putting our kids back in school, not because school was a bad place, but because of the amazing educational experience the girls and I were having together. I was coming to understand them in new ways and teaching them had become one of the greatest joys of my life. Every night for months I went to bed feeling scared and sick, knowing that if things did not improve the dynamics of our family would have to change so that I could get a job.

It would not have been the end of the world. I know this. I know how this sounds. I just loved my job of teaching them, of being with them and the thought of giving it up was sheer heartbreak.

We tightened our belts and then tightened them some more. We watched every dollar and made choices about what really mattered.

And then, slowly, things got better.

There were setbacks, but mostly things got better and the sick feeling in my gut slowly went away.

This month has been a difficult one, not because our circumstances have changed. On the contrary, our outlook is quite good.

December has been difficult because of the remembering. The approach of Christmas is linked in my mind like a shackle to those days of worry and stress. I worry that December will be ruined for me forever and that every year I will feel the tightening squeeze of anxiety pull at my heart.

I like to blog about the funny, the happy, and the triumphs, but sometimes I need to peek out from behind the curtain and invite you in and ask you for comfort.

Come round my table. I'll pour the tea and we'll share our troubles. We'll shoulder our burdens together with friendship and hope and we'll leave the table with lightened hearts.


Edwige said...

Expect a hug around 3:55 this afternoon... Will you be home?

Anonymous said...

Sara, my husband lost his job right before Christmas five years ago, and I still think about how awful that time was. I had a newborn and a 20-month old and I worried about having to leave them and go work, about health insurance, about everything. It's a hard thing to forget.

Enjoy your holidays and let's both count our blessings!


Anonymous said...

I love your blog, but haven't followed it long enough to know all of what happened last December. We have also had bad things happen in the past. One does remember as the year cycles around, but it gets better over time. I hope you keep up your happy homeschooling life and have fun in the snow that's falling outside. And also pour that tea and share your troubles.


Big Bahama Mama said...

Sending you love and pink thoughts and wishes for copious amounts of chocolate to carry you through. You're one strong lady.

Sara Padrusch said...

You guys are wonderful! Your comments lift my heart. xoxo

Cheryl said...

Glad you peeked out. Fighting my own demons this month and wondering the same thing.

Tracy said...

And so I went off to make myself a cup of tea and compose a response.

My husband decided to leave his job and start a business in August about seven years ago. No income for two years was the result...apart from toilet paper, and laundry detergent. I too felt the pressure to return to work, but we had a toddler home and Dh consoled my fears and anxieties. I had a job at home and he didn't expect me to go to work.

Those years were tough. They have permeated the way I think about money and the way I am still so very cautious.

But I choose to look ahead more than I end up looking back. Life is good. God is good. I know what that looks like now.

Left-Handed Housewife said...

A lovely and thoughtful post, Sara. I like it when you're funny, but it's good to hear from your serious side, too. I'm so happy that this is a better year for you, but it's true that hard times leave their scars. Four years ago, my FIL died suddenly several days before Christmas, and we still feel the effects of that, even though the grief isn't as acute.

So I'll take that cup of tea. And wish you a very merry Christmas while I'm at it!