Part two of my big adventure...

While I was in Arizona, I stayed in the very glamorous, or at least very clean Days Inn in Prescott Valley. I have never really stayed in a hotel by myself. Unlike women in the state of Massachusetts, which has the distinction of having the oldest mothers in the country,  I started having my children at the relatively young age of 26. I lived with my mother until I was about 23 and then David and I ran away together. I have not had a moments peace every since.

I hadn't had any peace until my trip to Arizona that is. I found having my own motel room positively magical. It stayed tidy and even better- the bed was made by someone else every day. I had the television all to myself and could indulge in back to back episodes of Law and Order for hours without interruption. One night I stopped at CVS for lip gloss and Doritos. I then spent the night watching hard boiled detectives interrogate perps and ate Doritos without having to share with anyone.

One of the stops I made out in Arizona was to World Market. My east coast friends and I are deprived of this great store which can best be described as the love child of Pier One and Trader Joe's. It has all sorts of fun things and it was there that I found the perfect gift for the girls- Giant gummy bears.

My kids are already gummy bear lovers, but these gummy bears were special. Each was about four inches tall and encased in plastic; I knew that my kids would go bananas for these delights.

Once Monday morning arrived, I left my hotel room bright and early. My flight was scheduled for 12:10pm, but left to my own devices I was allowed to indulge in over-preparedness without any complaints from traveling companions. It was thanks to this foresightedness that I was on line for my scan (not probe) by 9:30am.  Everything was going swimmingly. The car was dropped off. I had a pack of lifesavers and a murder mystery. All I had to do was get my carefully packed gummy bears through the scanning machines.

You can see where this is going right?

I submit to the scanning. All clear.

My luggage goes through the scanner and I am informed that they need to search my bag.

The TSA agent pulled out the gummy bears and asked me about them. "They are gummy bears for my kids." The TSA agent considered that. The problem seemed to be in deciding whether they were a gel or a liquid. In all fairness, the TSA agent was very nice.

"I have kids too," he whispered apologetically. "Let's check with the supervisor," he suggested.

It was here that it became clear to me that the TSA is run by underemployed people on a power trip. The TSA god of gels insisted that the gummy bears were both a liquid and a gel and therefore, would not be permitted on board, unless I wanted to check my bag. I made the point that if I had a big bag of gummy bears, it would clear without incident. He would not budge. I said, "Look, I don't mean to be a jerk, but human-to-human, you know that these gummy bears are not dangerous, right?"

Readers, his only reply was, "No exceptions!" and so, flustered and embarrassed, I surrendered my contraband to the TSA weenie, who most likely ate them.

I was two hours early for my flight. I was so early in fact, that my flight wasn't even on the board yet. I was alone in a red state without gummy bears for my children. It was a sad time for me. At least it was until I discovered a seat at the gate next to a power outlet and then logged into the airport's free WiFi. I spent the next ninety minutes watching Law and Order, which I think we can all agree, is a soothing balm for the weary soul.

Once home I was smothered in hugs and noise from the children. I was happy so see them, but I confess I sorely miss the maid service.

Wedding!

Well, hello there everyone!

I imagine you are all breathlessly waiting to find out just where the heck I have been for the last week. If you were my Facebook friend, you'd know. (Friend me with that handy little button up at the top of the page.)

On Friday I flew to Arizona for my mother's wedding. I spent the days leading up to my trip in an absolute frenzy of anxiety. I worried about plane crashes, my luggage, renting a car by myself, driving through the deserts of Arizona by myself, being away from my children, being away from my dogs, the state of my checking account, the size of my butt and so much more.

4:30 Friday morning my taxi came to fetch me to take me to the airport.

I learned many things on this trip. The first being that there is no traffic in Boston at 4:30am. I arrived at the airport with plenty of time to fret my way through security. I was scanned, but not probed and it seems that in 2011 this is the most one can hope for.

The flight was uneventful. It did not crash. It is always a miracle to me when my plane does not fall out of the sky. Why doesn't it crash? How does it stay in the air? Magic. The only possible explanation.

Once I landed and got my car I made my way north to my mother's place in Prescott Valley. I did not dawdle or dwell on the scenery because I had an important job to do. I was the chief decorator and Maid of Honor. Well, I suppose Matron of Honor is more accurate since I am a married lady and all that, but really, is there a worse word than "matron"?

About a month ago I sent a box of supplies to my mother's house. The box contained eighteen yards of tulle, ceramic birds, an assortment of candles in varied sizes, ribbons, silk flowers and pearl garland. I walked in her door and got to work. Since it was a small wedding, my mother and her fiance Jack, decided to have the wedding at their home. They decided that the fireplace would be the best place to create a visual focal point and mock alter.

This is what we created.

This was so quick and easy to put together. We chose the container with the petunias and greens to provide depth and height to the arrangement.

See those ceramic birds? They were about $5 at Michael's.

We used some more flowers and greens to extend the lilac and green theme over by the cake.

The wedding was very sweet. My mother and Jack both got very teary, which caused me to get teary and make the most mediocre toast in the history of weddings.

Luckily, the happy couple did not seem to mind.

Stay tuned for Part Two of my exciting travel tale. It includes me watching Law and Order all alone in my hotel and getting my gummy bears confiscated by TSA.

What homeschooling can look like...

Before we went on our trip to Arizona, we suspended many of our usual studies so that we could focus on learning about Arizona, its history and culture.

 

We took out a heap of books about Arizona from the library and read through them. The internet was a great resource too.

Each girl has a field trip fact and sketch book. They wrote and illustrated these books and then brought them on our trip to add additional facts and pictures.

Rebecca decided to do a page in her journal entitled, "Venomous Creatures That Can Kill You".

We didn't see any of these creatures, but it was good to know the many forms which death can take.

Homeschool your kids and you will avoid death by spider. The end.

"Get away from the edge!" or Our trip to the Grand Canyon...

You know what that huge hole in the ground in Arizona should really be called?

Heart Attack Canyon because that what mothers have when they take their children to this national death trap.

It's a wondrous hole all right. Majestic even. But the fact remains that the Grand Canyon is nothing more than a than a deadly siren luring children towards its edges and aging mothers as they are forced to save their children from their own idiocy again and again and again.

I pointed out signs like this to my family.

 

I even pointed out this book which I found in the bookstore.

 

Luckily, the day we visited the Grand Canyon the weather was kind of chilly so everyone was all done with the majestic hole in the ground pretty quickly. I have never been so happy to leave a scenic location in my life.

A few days later we visited a location which was only slightly more deadly than the Grand Canyon but loads more fun, because at this location I got to feed a giraffe with my mouth.

 

Specifically this giraffe, which when viewed up close, is undeniably strange looking. His looks are unimportant however, because he was very kind and ate the carrots which we offered to him and he allowed us to pet him.

I did spend a few moments trying to figure out how I might smuggle this baby zebra home with me.

 

Look, I know that a lioness would not be a very sensible new pet for our family, but just look at her.

 

We could lay in bed in the evenings eating cubes of raw steak and watching Law and Order reruns.

Did you know that if you are willing to hand over five dollars to the folks at Out Of Africa they will let you feed the white tiger?

 

 

Things you should know about my family:

We are not afraid of snakes.

We even kind of like them. I do not however want one as a pet. Must be clear about this. No snakes in the house.

I bet a prairie dog would make a great pet though!

After our exciting adventures and brushes with death we arrived home on Wednesday night where we gratefully fell into the arms of our dogs and into our soft and familiar beds. 

What have you been doing while I was trying to smuggle animals onto planes and avoid falling into the earth? Also, if you are a regular reader and would like to friend me on Facebook, I have a nifty button at the top of the page. Press it and we'll be connected like a lioness to a fleeing antelope!

Arizona! Montezuma's Castle! Sedona! Nachos!

Would it be wrong if I ordered the grande nachos with extra guacamole at every restaurant we eat in on this trip? Because if eating nachos every day is wrong I don't want to be right.

You'll be happy to know that our little band of fragile travelers made it out of my mothers fifty-five and older community and Saw The Sights.

Our first stop was Montezuma's Castle. It has nothing to do with Montezuma and is not a castle. Discuss amongst yourselves.

It is an amazing cliff settlement dating back to 1200 AD.

 

This was a perfect location for the kids to take out their sketch pads and get all homeschooly.

We also saw the second lizard to escape my clutches on this trip.

Why must you run little lizard? I only want to smuggle you home and knit you a sweater study you.

After our tour of the ruins it was nacho time! Yay nachos!

Nachos were followed by two things:

1. A trip to Sedona to see the red rocks.

2. A stern warning to the children to quit ruining my nacho buzz with their whining and bickering.

The best part about Sedona is that it is impossible to take a bad picture of the scenery. I got a million shots- each awesome.

 

Is it just me or does my arm look gigantic in this picture?

Speaking of gigantic, tomorrow we are off to the Grand Canyon where I hope to eat more nachos.

In which Arizona tries to kill me...

You guys know that I am not a great traveler right?

I could tell you a long story about our flights, my sore throat, my coughing and congestion, Rebecca's sore throat, Lily's sore throat and my altitude nausea, but really, who needs to hear that sorry tale?

Suffice it to say that we have now been in Arizona for three days. I have been in two Walmarts. Once for a booster seat for Lily (she chose the camo print, thanks for asking) and once for some cold medicine. I went to Goodwill (junking is healing) and two other junk stores. On route to one of those junk stores I walked briskly up a hill which nearly caused me to pass out from altitude sickness.

There has been jetlag.

I have seen a grasshopper, a lizard (which I tried to catch and failed) and my mother's cat who has only one good ear.

We are optimistic that tomorrow our health may actually permit us to venture into a genuine Tourist Area of Interest.

If not, I hear that's there's another Goodwill (Firearms are not permitted inside!) nearby. And I still need to catch a lizard.