Friday, May 7, 2010

In which I anger birds and emasculate my husband.

This morning David called me from New York.

"Thanks a lot dear. Now the entire internet is laughing at me because I went to my dance class and didn't get rid of the bird," he grouched.

"Do not," he continued, "Try to remove it yourself. I am going to do it. Saturday morning. Because I have a dance class tonight."

I had no desire to remove the bird myself.


He told me not to do it.

And because I am an idiot, I could not resist attempting this project myself.

I armed myself with a flat head extra long screw driver, a plastic bag, some rags and all the spunk I could muster. Then I got to work.

Victory 1: Removing the air conditioner from the window without dropping it onto the roof.

Victory 2: Not falling out of the window. The children were holding my legs, which became more of a hazard then a help as they kept forgetting their job and would let go at key moments.

Victory 3: Poking out bits of nest and the wire screening that the previous owners put in to prevent birds from nesting in there.

Victory 4: Not being intimidated by the angry wrens who were making threatening gestures at me. Bird thugs, but I was tough.

Fail 1: Calling down to my children to bring me a salad fork and a serving fork. The salad fork was initially helpful in pulling out more bits of nest. It was also a fork that I was sad to see fall into the gutter when I dropped it.

Fail 2: Using the serving fork to pull out nest and in the process startle a young bird who was still in the vent and very much alive. I would describe the experience of having a terrified bird shoot out of a nest as unsettling. Sort of in the same way The Birds was unsettling.

Fail 3: Failing to see the second young bird coming out of the vent which caused me to swear in front of my children.

Fail 4: My failure to produce a carcass. It's in there somewhere, but not in a place where a housewife armed with kitchen utensils and whose legs are being secured by her children can reach.

Having failed to achieve the removal of the dead bird I went back into the bathroom and took apart the light again. I thought that maybe, just maybe, I had dislodged the bird and its maggot friends into the light. Nope. The bird continued to mock me.

Finally I decided to run the heat in the light fixture and the exhaust at the same time, and just dry the hell out of whatever is in there. After a few hours of running those and having the window open I am happy to report that the smell is nearly gone.

After I was done I called David to tell him that I had done it myself.

Unfortunately I had to leave him a message. It was time for his dance class.

Recap: I hung out of the window and was nearly attacked by birds. David went to ballet class.

Marriage is a quirky beast.


Lisa said...

I think it is cool he is dancing! Well not that he left the bird all week. SOOOO glad you didn't fall out the window! Loosing the fork sucks! Have a happy Saturday!

Jennifer de Mello e Souza said...

Very, very , very funny!!!! :)

Julie said...

One time you wrote about him filming a civil war re-enactment. Now it's stuck in my brain with the dance class. So I keep envisioning him as a civil war soldier doing ballet.

Cheryl said...

Okay, moment of truth. Why is he taking ballet classes? Is this some sort of requirement for his new position? It's been bugging me since you first mentioned it. Give, woman, give.

Long live the birds!

mgster said...

My husband made two new wooden wren houses and only one is currently holding a cute, but noisy couple. So feel free to send your now homeless wrens our way! LOL

Sara, since tomorrow is Mother's Day you will not have to deal with stinky dead birds. Treat yourself to some chocolate...makes that lots of chocolate! You deserve it!

Jo said...

These are memories you will treasure forever...

Anonymous said...

How come you never take pictures of these moments? This is freaking hilarious! Love you for sharing this with us. Big hug M

Anonymous said...

JUST AWESOME!!!!!!Gr888 Job…