This morning David called me from New York.
"Thanks a lot dear. Now the entire internet is laughing at me because I went to my dance class and didn't get rid of the bird," he grouched.
"Do not," he continued, "Try to remove it yourself. I am going to do it. Saturday morning. Because I have a dance class tonight."
I had no desire to remove the bird myself.
He told me not to do it.
And because I am an idiot, I could not resist attempting this project myself.
I armed myself with a flat head extra long screw driver, a plastic bag, some rags and all the spunk I could muster. Then I got to work.
Victory 1: Removing the air conditioner from the window without dropping it onto the roof.
Victory 2: Not falling out of the window. The children were holding my legs, which became more of a hazard then a help as they kept forgetting their job and would let go at key moments.
Victory 3: Poking out bits of nest and the wire screening that the previous owners put in to prevent birds from nesting in there.
Victory 4: Not being intimidated by the angry wrens who were making threatening gestures at me. Bird thugs, but I was tough.
Fail 1: Calling down to my children to bring me a salad fork and a serving fork. The salad fork was initially helpful in pulling out more bits of nest. It was also a fork that I was sad to see fall into the gutter when I dropped it.
Fail 2: Using the serving fork to pull out nest and in the process startle a young bird who was still in the vent and very much alive. I would describe the experience of having a terrified bird shoot out of a nest as unsettling. Sort of in the same way The Birds was unsettling.
Fail 3: Failing to see the second young bird coming out of the vent which caused me to swear in front of my children.
Fail 4: My failure to produce a carcass. It's in there somewhere, but not in a place where a housewife armed with kitchen utensils and whose legs are being secured by her children can reach.
Having failed to achieve the removal of the dead bird I went back into the bathroom and took apart the light again. I thought that maybe, just maybe, I had dislodged the bird and its maggot friends into the light. Nope. The bird continued to mock me.
Finally I decided to run the heat in the light fixture and the exhaust at the same time, and just dry the hell out of whatever is in there. After a few hours of running those and having the window open I am happy to report that the smell is nearly gone.
After I was done I called David to tell him that I had done it myself.
Unfortunately I had to leave him a message. It was time for his dance class.
Recap: I hung out of the window and was nearly attacked by birds. David went to ballet class.
Marriage is a quirky beast.