When I was in seventh grade I had a friend named Chrissy. Chrissy was funny, quirky and obsessed with horses.
Chrissy also had an alter ego named Miss Twinkle Toes who had an advice column. She was kind enough to revive Miss Twinkle Toes for this blog.
Dear Miss Twinkle Toes,
Every day when I get home from work I find that my cat has been eating my Doritos and recording over my Law and Order episodes on Tivo. Whenever I confront him he ignores me and licks his butt.
What should I do?
Disrespected by my cat
I have to admit that the mention of Doritos distracted me for a few minutes. But let me get to the heart of the matter.
Cats are very, very intelligent creatures. Obviously, he's planning your murder. What seems like butt licking is really him trying to distract you from the very shows from which his murderous plans have sprung. I'm sure he's off hocking your jewelry right at this moment...saving up for a fine getaway vehicle.
Don't believe me? Invest in a hidden camera...otherwise, the proof is in the orange kitty tracks!!
Ms. Twinkle Toes
Please send any questions for Miss Twinkle Toes to firstname.lastname@example.org